How Our Upbringing Can Influence Our View Of Femininity As Women  

As we know the term femininity is commonly used in our culture today and how we choose to define it differs from person to person. In many topics, the word femininity is often used in conversations regarding how a woman chooses to show up in the world and many of her relationships, characteristics/traits of a feminine woman, and most commonly what makes a woman feminine from the eyes of a man.

As conversations continue to circulate on social media, I wanted to discuss what femininity means to me and how my upbringing has shaped the way I view femininity now as a result. In the end, I share helpful tips that have helped me continue to grow into my own feminine energy.

Growing up, I was raised in a single-parent household as an only child. My childhood was great, and I never wanted for anything. However, growing up I did not realize how being raised by a single parent impacted the way I showed up in the world. For many of us women who grew up with single mothers, we saw our mothers play both roles and manage every aspect of the household, and as a result, I took on similar traits because my mom was/is someone I look up to.

I was always viewed as more mature for my age, independent, strong, driven, and ambitious. Although, these are great qualities to have, let me explain how these qualities played a part in me arguably tapping into a more masculine energy rather than feminine.   

Independent/ Self-Sufficient 

Many of us learned to be independent and self-sufficient because we developed the mindset of “If I don’t handle it who else is?” This led me to become more stubborn and want things my way throughout my childhood and into adulthood because of my unwillingness to ask for help. I always believed I’ll rather do things my way because if not, I’m not going to be satisfied. When you grow up watching your mother do the impossible and find solutions to anything, we believe we can take on any task given to us because we know a solution will be found. Now as an adult, I realized that although being self-sufficient is great, having the mindset of never wanting to ask for help or allowing help could be harmful.

Relationships with Men 

Some women who grew up with single mothers were less likely to have father figures in their life. This leads to the term people use so loosely daddy issues. Today, the term is commonly used disparagingly or in a comical sense to express a woman’s complex relationships with men, rather than bringing awareness to how deep-rooted the lack of a father’s presence could affect a young woman growing up into adulthood. The appropriate terminology is Father Complex studied by Sigmund Freud to describe the impact that a physically or emotionally absent father can have on the lives and relationships of both men and women or attachment disorder.

Women who did not experience a healthy father/daughter relationship often develop attachment disorders which lead to her leaning into more masculine energy rather than feminine. Some attachments include fearful-avoidant attachment, one who might draw close to someone only to push them away with a fear of being rejected, hurt, or experiencing difficulty expressing emotions to their partner. Secondly, anxious attachment, one who may display traits of insecurity and can seem clingy, controlling, or continuously worried about their relationship. Lastly, avoidant-dismissive attachment, one who often appears as independent and may crave physical intimacy but avoid emotional intimacy and often mask their feelings when dealing with emotionally challenging situations.

For me, my father was emotionally unavailable and physically distant due to living in another state and although our relationship now is continuously progressing in a healthy way, his lack of emotional and physical support growing up impacted me and started to show up in my relationships as I got older. Some examples include not allowing myself to get too close to men in relationships with the fear of being hurt, coming in and out of relationships when my feelings were beginning to get involved, and having a tough time expressing my emotions. Do not get me wrong there also needs to be a safe space provided for both partners to feel safe enough to express themselves. But I am accountable enough to know that some parts are attachment issues rooted in childhood.

Feminine Personality vs. Feminine Energy 

I am sure many of us did not know there was a difference, however, a feminine personality typically refers to outside appearance. Looking beautiful and well put together but there is something that is missing. Feminine energy allows you to do the inner work and healing while bringing a new focus to the body. Allowing yourself to bring the energy from your mind into your body. When you are in your mind (direct, anxious) you are operating from a state of masculinity. When you are living in your body you begin to feel safe, secure, and soft while leaving space for you to feel loved, compassionate, beautiful, and inviting.

Here are some helpful tips that have helped me along my journey

• Take time to do the inner work by focusing on yourself and truly taking the steps to heal
  • Finding a therapist that specializes in your needs could be helpful
  • Start by asking yourself these questions: 
    • Am I holding on to something I need to let go of?
    • What worries me most about the future? Why? 
    • How would I describe my relationship with my parents as a child and now? In what ways, has my relationship with my parents impacted me? 
• Take care of yourself and make time to pamper, rest, and take breaks
  • Find new hobbies that make you happy that involve movement
  • Dance classes, yoga, gym
• Surround yourself with positive friends that can bring encouragement and love into your life 
• Start your day with prayer or embrace gratitude by acknowledging the abundance that already exists in your life
• Be gentle with yourself
  • Inner work does not happen overnight, be proud of your progression in taking the adequate steps of becoming a better version of yourself and to be a great example for the generations that will come after you

With love,

Desi